One more flight for my Little Superman

This Saturday was the worst day of my life. On December 11, 2010 at 12:06pm my sweet, loving Superman took his final flight to heaven. Here are the details of our final day together. I apologize if it’s too detailed (or minute-by-minute). I don’t know how much everyone wants know.
I came into the hospital on Friday afternoon to snuggle with Ethan for a few hours. We sat and gazed in each other’s eyes while doctors, nurses, friends and family came into the room to share in their love for him. I played some music (Josh Groban and Andre Boccelli) and I tried to sing a little to him. In the afternoon I talked to the nurse and asked if there was any way I could spend the night with him. At this point I figured the worst they could say is no. I wanted to spend every last waking minute I had watching him, kissing him and telling him how much I love him. Brittany (Ethan’s day nurse-and a great one at that) said that wouldn’t be a problem at all and grabbed some pillows and blankets to get ready for the rest of the night. Stephanie and Alix grabbed some stuff from my house for me and headed over to visit for a while. They brought Madaline with them to meet her brother for the first time outside mommy’s belly. Wow! What an experience that was. I can’t tell you how ecstatic I was to have BOTH my babies in the same room with me for the first time. We decided to do a mini photo shoot with the twins. We undressed Madaline and put her in bed with Ethan and watched as they sat calmly with each other as if that was exactly where they needed to be. It seemed so natural to them, as if they never left each other. Madaline lay calm (for the most part) and Ethan had his eyes open the entire time with his oxygen level at room air. Not one bell or alarm sounded the whole time. We took a bunch of pictures of them together and then I had the amazing experience of holding both of them at the same time for the first time. The words “Bitter Sweet” can hardly define how I was feeling. Brady came in a little later and held them both as well as tears engulfed him. The pictures turned out great and I have shared a couple below.
After the family left I got myself comfortable. About an hour or so later, Danielle (Ethan’s wonderful night nurse) came in to relieve me for a minute. I stepped out for a moment, came back and she said that he wouldn’t stop shaking the whole time I was gone (which he wasn’t doing when I was holding him). I sat right back down as we watched his eyes roll around looking for me. The nurse was amazed to see such a reaction from him. She put him back in my arms and he calmed down and fell asleep for a while. Danielle and another nurse sat and talked with me for a while and it started to get late. They left so Ethan and I could try to get some sleep, but all I could do was stare at him and watch to see him open his eyes and breathe. Kind of obsessive on my part, but I knew I would never get the chance to see it again, so I soaked it up. 6:15 rolled around and I had them put him back in bed for an hour and a half so I could get a little sleep and freshen up for the rest of the day. After I got myself together we put him right back in my arms. By this time he was awake again and I resumed my repeat talk of how much I love him and I was going to miss him and sang him a prayer to start our last day together.
Brady showed up at about 9:30am with Madaline and we sat staring at our 2 beautiful babies.
10:00am came and a photographer came in to take some professional pictures of all of us as well as Pastor Michael Hayes from St. John’s Lutheran Church to help us get through the next few hours. As the hour went on, Brady and I had the family coming in to see Ethan and wish him love on his journey. In the next hour Dr. Bixby, and the nursing staff came in to brief us and make sure we were ready for the next steps. As if there is ever a right time to start the process, the staff asked if we were ready to begin.
At approximately 11:15am the process began. Ethan at this point had fallen asleep already. They started off by removing any unnecessary IV’s and give him some medication to make sure he was relaxed as well as to make sure breathing was not a struggle. After about 10 minutes or so, they came in again and removed the breathing tube and the feeding tube. I was already crying so hard but found more tears in the back of my heart to cry harder. After a few minutes they gave him another dose of medication as I sat there holding him and crying. The family came in and out of the room to kiss him and say goodbye for now and tell Ethan how much they loved him. All the while the nurses were coming in to check his heart to see if it was still beating. By then, I knew he had passed away in my arms. They called the doctor in one more time to check his heart as she called the time. 12:06pm. And somehow I found more tears to cry harder.
By now, some of Ethan’s nurses had come in (on their day off) to be there for Ethan and for us. They came in to say goodbye and tell him they loved him as well. I sat and held him for a long while because I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want that to be the end of our time together. Why him? Why this wonderfully sweet precious boy who never had the chance to do so many things? To be a little boy and run around, say funny things, get into trouble and make lots of friends. I just don’t get it.
After a long while Brady thought it would be best to go and try to get some rest. I set Ethan down for the last time and told him goodbye asking him to please visit me in my dreams. The rest of the day was a blur. I laid on Stephanie’s couch and stared off into a daze. I can’t believe this is all real. Did this really just happen? Brady, Madaline and I went home later that night and I cried myself to sleep.
Yesterday I woke, went to church and spent the rest of the day with my mom, Stephanie and Alix. I spent the day trying to keep my mind busy, but still feeling like I needed to call the hospital and check to see how Ethan was doing. I did pretty well until I got home and literally fell to the floor and started crying. Brady picked me up and tried to encourage me that Ethan was in a far better place, running around and doing all the things he would have never been able to do here with us.
We woke up this morning and we went to make all the arrangements for Ethan’s service. Since the mortuary is in the Orange Circle, Brady and I had lunch and walked around for a little. I spent another day trying to keep my mind busy and doing a little “Retail Therapy” / Christmas shopping. I am just going to say, I will be happy to play the role of The Grinch and Scrooge this year. I am so not in the holiday mood.
Well, after all is said and done I am trying to keep a somewhat positive attitude. I am grateful that the process was not drawn out and that he was given back to God in a swiftly manner for both his sake and ours. I hope you don’t think that’s bad to say.
I also have to say that I am so grateful that we were given the blessing of 3 months with this wonderful boy. Some people aren’t given that opportunity and I realize that we were very fortunate. As hard as this all was, I wouldn't have given it up for the world.
I can’t close this posting without recognizing and giving thanks to the wonderful nurses that Ethan had during his time at CHOC. I am sorry if you don’t want your names mentioned but, Lindsay, Danielle, Brittany, and Andrea (and Karin, Ethan’s DT)... If you are reading this, I can’t tell you how thankful Brady and I are for all your help. You KNEW Ethan and showed him so much love and took care of him when I couldn’t be there. You took care of ME. You listened to me cry, answered my many questions. You supported and guided me through this. And for that I am eternally grateful. I miss all of you already and feel like not only have I lost a son; I have lost a second family. I truly hope I can stay in touch with you as I have grown to love you all. Thank you.
SERVICES:
We have made arrangements to have a memorial service for Ethan this Friday, December 17, 2010 at 3:30pm. Followed by a reception. The service will be held at St. John’s Lutheran Church in Orange, CA. The address is 185 S. Center St., Orange, CA. 92866. We invite you to come and share in the celebration of Ethan’s life with us. If you are questioning whether you are welcomed or not, know that we want you there. I know that my Little Superman has touched a lot of people’s hearts in a very short amount of time and we welcome the celebration of love with friends and family members alike.
Pictures:
A few last pictures of my sweet boy